It's All Coming Back To Me Now
by spacemonkey69
Summary: [If I kiss you like this and if you whisper like that.It was lost long ago but it's all coming back to me] She has to move on. But can she? Songfic. COMPLETE PLEASE R&R CR CM RR


Hi ya'all! This story is named after, and features the lyrics to 'It's All Coming Back To Me Now' by Celine Dion...it's a very angsty song, and i knew it would just be perfect for a story! So please read and review...and to all my constant readers...i promise a good Mondler story soon..one with a nice happy premise! I do love Mondler, i really do, they're my fave couple ever but...ah, i dont know! Just read and review please! Toodles!

I do not own Friends/characters/actors...but I wish i did!

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_There were nights when the wind was so cold_

_That my body froze in bed_

_If I just listened to it_

_Right outside the window_

She had tried to forget.

She had tried to forget and she had eventually succeeded.

She had forgotten what it was like to have his fingers on her skin. To feel his lips against her body. To lie in his arms, panting for breath. To falls asleep, satisfaction at it's highest.

She had forgotten, because she had to.

She had forgotten, because if she didn't, she wouldn't have been able to go on.

But every now and then, the memories would come flying back to her; so quick and so powerful that her legs would turn to jelly. She would remember and it would hurt to look at him. Hurt to see them together.

She had loved him. He had loved her. She had been sure of it. But they had to walk away. Had to for their friends. For Ross. For each other. They had to walk away, and forget.

It had hurt more than anything. She would lie in bed, listening to the wind; wishing it could whisk her away from the pain. But she hadn't cried; she had never cried. She couldn't. It would have hurt too much. Those tears had dried up long ago.

She had forgotten. But sometimes, when she looked at him, she wished that she hadn't. She wished that there could have been a way for them to be together.

And now, it seemed like there was a way.

She knew she shouldn't have done it. Shouldn't have been the one to comfort him. It was too dangerous. Too close. But she had done it anyway.

All those memories, all those feelings; they had come rushing back, with one simple touch.

She had tried to forget and had succeeded. But that didn't matter.

Because all those feelings were coming back to her now.

_There were days when the sun was so cruel_

_That all the tears turned to dust_

_And I just knew my eyes were_

_Drying up forever_

That first night together seemed so long ago, but she remembered it like it was yesterday. She had gone to yell at him; drunkenly abuse him for telling Ross to make that stupid list. She had burst through the door, ready to give him a piece of her mind; ready to tell him how he had ruined the one true love she had had, before it had even begun. She had gone to chastise him, to tell him she hated him.

But when she had burst through that door, heels in one hand, bourbon in the other, all those thoughts had left her mind.

He had looked up at her, with those startling blue eyes, and she had felt her breath leave her lungs. She had never realised. Never seen it until then.

The heels had dropped to the floor, forgotten like her feelings for Ross.

She had set the bottle on the counter and marched over. He had shrunk away, thinking she was going to reprimand him. Instead she had grabbed his face between her hands and kissed him; long, hard and passionate.

She had no idea why she had done it, and he hadn't either. He had pulled away, staring at her in shock, surprise and wonder. She had smiled, running her hand down his cheek and he had smiled as well.

They had made love that night; all night long, and any thoughts of yelling at him had left her mind. Any thoughts of Ross had been far away. All that mattered was in the bedroom with them. Nothing else mattered.

At first, she had told herself that the next time would be the last. That they would never do those things again. But each time she was with him, it just seemed right. They fit together.

The time they had shared together had been the best times of her life. But she knew, like any good thing, it had to end somehow.

And it had.

_I finished crying in the instant that you left_

_And I can't remember where or when or how_

_And I banished every memory you and I had ever made_

Ross had loved her. He had loved her for years.

They had both known that. They had both known what they were doing was wrong. But they didn't care. When they were together, Ross didn't matter. It didn't matter that if Ross found out, everything would be ruined. It didn't matter that there was a chance they could break up their group of friends. None of that mattered when they were together. She was falling in love; there was a chance that she was already there. He was falling right along with her, she was sure of it. Their secret love affair was wrong, but it felt so right. They hadn't wanted to end it for the world.

But then Ross had interfered.

Neither of them had wanted to hurt Ross. She was the woman he loved; the woman who cared for him deeply, and Ross was his best friend. They didn't want to hurt him, and it soon became apparent that they were doing just that. That Ross was trying harder and harder to pursue her. That he wanted her more then anything.

She hadn't wanted him; not anymore. Once, not too long ago, she had wanted him, but those feelings had been lost with her heels. But she hadn't wanted to hurt Ross.

They had fought about it, and it killed her to think of that fight. But she couldn't forget it. Like a moth to a flame, it stuck with her.

And that night, their little love affair had ended. All that passion, all that love, all that satisfaction, gone.

Gone because of four little words.

_But when you touch me like this_

_And you hold me like that_

_I just have to admit_

_That it's all coming back to me_

_When I touch you like this_

_And I hold you like that_

_It's so hard to believe but_

_It's all coming back to me_

_(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)_

"He's in love with you Rach!" Chandler yelled, leaping to his feet.

"Don't you think I know that?" Rachel hissed, tears streaming down her face. "You were the one that told me that! You were the one that made me realise how _I _felt about him!"

"Then what are you doing here with me?" Rachel stared at her lover for a long moment, stared at the face she had come to love.

"I'm here because…because I don't feel that way about him. Not anymore," she answered softly. "I'm here because I want to be here Chandler."

"If Ross finds out…" Chandler began. Rachel shook her head.

"He won't," she insisted. Chandler sighed, taking her hand between his.

"But he will…and I don't want to be the one who does that to him. I'm sure that you don't either."

"Chandler, I care about Ross so much but…I lo-"

"Don't say it," Chandler interrupted, shaking his head. "Don't say it."

"I love you," Rachel whispered, ignoring his request. Chandler let go of her hand and stepped back.

"We have to end this," he said softly.

"No Chand-"

"We have to Rach. You are meant to be with Ross. That's how things are supposed to be. It's what's right."

"No Chandler, I don't care what is right! This is right! _We _are meant to be together!" Rachel exclaimed, grabbing his hand again. "I love you Chandler, and I want to be with you. I don't care who we hurt."

"Yes you do," Chandler said quietly. "You do because you aren't a bad person. If we stay together, then we are going to hurt everyone. It's over Rach."

"But…I love you," Rachel whispered, searching his eyes with her own. "Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Rach-"

"Don't you feel the same way?"

"No," Chandler said softly, glancing down at the floor. Rachel shook her head, her eyes welling up once more.

"I'll let you end this," she sobbed. "I will forget about these feelings, go after Ross. Let him love me, and remember to love him again. I will do all that if you can look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me."

Chandler glanced up from the floor, gnawing at his lip as he stared at her tear streaked face. The face he loved more than anything.

"I don't love you," he whispered, staring into her red eyes. Rachel let go of his hand, nodding forlornly.

"Get out," she said softly.

"Rach-"

"Get out!" she shrieked, pushing him away. "Get out before I change my mind!"

She turned away, not wanting to see him leave. Not wanting to realise that the best thing that ever happened to her gone; destined to become a friend and nothing more.

The door slammed shut and Rachel let out one last sob, before wiping her eyes. She had to move on.

She had to forget.

_There were moments of gold_

_And there were flashes of light_

_There were things I'd never do again_

_But then they'd always seemed right_

_There were nights of endless pleasure_

_It was more than any laws allow_

_Baby Baby_

She moved on.

They pretended that nothing had happened; pretended like they were just friends. Neither of them spoke about what they had shared, although they could still see the passion; the love in each other's eyes. He had said that he didn't love her, but she had stopped believing that with the slamming of the door. It wasn't possible. She had seen the way he looked at her. He had loved her.

But she hadn't followed him. She knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. Knew that even though it felt right, it was wrong. They were only friends now.

She threw herself at Ross the very next day.

It had seemed like the right time to do it. It may have been too soon, but she didn't care. The prom video; how sweet he had been. She had kissed Ross, and she had seen the fake happiness splayed across her ex lovers face. She had also seen his pain and had felt a pang in her heart. But she had ignored it. They were only friends now.

She displayed her affection to Ross publicly and frequently in front of her ex lover. Part of her wanted to hurt him for walking away; for leaving her. She was sure that he got the message, although he never once showed his displeasure. Nor did he bring it up in any conversation. They went on, pretending they were friends and nothing more and she soon fell in love with Ross once more; forced herself to love him again. She soon remembered why she had loved him in the first place. Her other feelings were still there, nagging her insistently. But she forced them out of her mind and focused on Ross. He was never Chandler; not even close, but she loved him. She had to love somebody, had to have somebody love her. She had to forget Chandler.

It took a long while, but the time came when she could look at Chandler without hurting, without remembering the passion they had shared; the love they had known. The time came when they actually did become friends, when they didn't have to pretend. Things soon fell back into place, and she was happy.

Ross cheating on her had shattered her, and she had not once thought of Chandler. Her brain had tried to remember him; tried to remind her, but she hadn't listened. She couldn't go down that road again. It would hurt too much if it didn't work. It would hurt so many times more than Ross' betrayal had.

She and Ross had broken up, and she had forced herself not to think about Chandler. She had focused all her emotions on being angry at Ross, and soon she had focused all those emotions on being jealous of Ross being happy.

She had focused her emotions on still being in love with Ross, and had forced herself not to think of Chandler.

She had never once thought of Chandler in that way, not until she found out about him and Monica. But she had forced those thoughts out of her head, and they had lain dormant.

Until that moment, when she chose to comfort him. It had been dangerous, but she had done it.

All those memories, all those feelings; they had come rushing back, with one simple touch.

And all those feelings were coming back to her now.

_If I kiss you like this_

_And if you whisper like that_

_It was lost long ago_

_But it's all coming back to me_

_If you want me like this_

_And if you need me like that_

_It was dead long ago_

_But it's all coming back to me_

_It's so hard to resist_

_And it's all coming back to me_

_I can barely recall_

_But it's all coming back to me now_

She had concentrated on Ross; concentrated on still being in love with him. It had protected her from loving Chandler; from being hurt by him. She could almost handle being hurt by Ross, but not Chandler. Never Chandler again.

She had soon forgotten Ross and there had been other loves, Joshua being the big one. Chandler had been with Kathy for a short while and she hadn't cared; she had pushed it out of her mind.

When Chandler had tried to set her up with guys from work, she had gratefully accepted. It was all in her ploy of moving on.

When the guy from Chandler's office didn't work out, she had sat there with Chandler, cuddling up to him in the chair; feeling him play with her hair and kiss her forehead. Just like he had done once, over two years beforehand. She hadn't thought of him in the way she wanted to then. She couldn't. He was with Kathy, and she couldn't get hurt, not again.

Ross had fallen for Emily, and she had realised that she still loved him. She had flown halfway across the world, desperate to get him back; desperate to feel love from someone, anyone besides Chandler. She needed Ross, to fill the void that Chandler had left. But when she had seen how happy Ross and Emily were, she had backed away. She already hurt so much, and she didn't want to make anyone else hurt. She had nearly done that, so many months beforehand.

But their marriage hadn't lasted and she had felt a semblance of happiness at the thought. She wasn't the only one in pain. But the pain that the other two had felt had been caused by her; caused by Ross saying her name instead of Emily's. It hadn't been her fault, but she had still felt guilty. She had been trying so hard not to hurt Ross and it had happened anyway. And he had ended up hurting her in return, by nearly pushing her out of his life; pushing her away to please Emily.

She had considered leaving; considered just stepping out of the way. She could go off, start a new life, away from all of those memories. Away from Ross. Away from Chandler. But as much as she wanted to get away from those memories, those feelings, she couldn't.

She especially couldn't leave Chandler. She pushed her feelings away, but there were always little reminders. Little looks that she recognised from so long ago. Smiles that he had once reserved for her and her alone. Touches and kisses that had been for her all those years ago.

All for Monica now. It hurt to see them together, but she kept those feelings hidden. They had nearly surfaced, months before she found out about the couple; when the couple had only just begun. Chandler had kissed Monica and she had been confused as to why he had done that. Confused and jealous. Then he had kissed Phoebe and her. The kiss had been awkward, like you would expect from two ex lovers kissing one another, but it had still caused her old feelings to hint at being surfaced.

The second kiss they had shared, when Chandler had wrapped his arms around her -hand in her hair – hadn't been awkward. It had been passionate, loving; everything she remembered and longed for. The feelings she had once had for him had resurfaced, but she had quickly hid them. She couldn't go down that road again. She had to be strong once more. She couldn't waste another thought on a relationship that wasn't going to happen.

That relationship had been ended long ago.

Ended with four hurtful words.

_But you were history with the slamming of the door_

_And I made myself so strong again somehow_

_And I never wasted any of my time on you since then_

She had concentrated on being happy for Chandler and Monica; concentrated on not being jealous. The twosome were in love; they had admitted it right in front of her. It had hurt but she had ignored it. Her feelings had left her, and she thought she was safe from them. She had continued to move on, not giving Chandler another thought.

Until the trip to Las Vegas.

She hated thinking that Chandler had Monica had been together for a year. She had pretended to be happy, for both them and herself. Happy that they were together and that she had lasted for so long without him. That she had moved past her feelings for him.

But the anniversary had hurt her bad. She had thought she was past the feelings, but it had hurt. She pushed past her pain and ended up taunting Ross, which all ended badly.

Getting drunk in her hotel room with Ross had been partly to do with the drawing on her face and partly to do with Chandler. She couldn't remember marrying Ross very well, but she was sure that she had done it partly in spite. She had wanted to hurt Chandler once more, but it had backfired.

The Las Vegas trip had been a low point for her, and that lowness continued when they returned home. She had found out that Chandler and Monica had nearly gotten married and that they were moving in together. They were happy and she wanted that. She wanted that with Chandler, but instead Monica had him. And they were moving in together and she was moving out.

She knew that they would one day get married and it had upset her. But she had once more pushed the feelings away. Nothing was going to happen. She had to move past him, move on.

And she had, until she had chosen to comfort him.

Until she had held him in her arms.

_When you touch me like this_

_And when you hold me like that_

_It was gone with the wind_

_But it's all coming back to me_

_When you see me like this_

_And when I see you like that_

_Then we see what we want to see_

_All coming back to me_

_The flesh and the fantasies_

_All coming back to me_

_I can barely recall_

_But it's all coming back to me now_

The memory of her and Chandler had faded, a distant memory. The best memory she had, but a distant one.

She had taught herself to be happy for the couple, and in a way she had been. If she couldn't be happy with Chandler, then she was glad someone could. She was glad that he was happy. She hoped that he was happy.

She was sure that he was happy.

But once in a while, she would catch him looking at her, and she knew that he was wondering.

Wondering what it would have been like if they had never broke up. Wondering what it would be like to touch her, to feel her like he used to. She had been sure that he had thought that, looking at her. But she had ignored it. She had moved on, and so had he. Little looks, little wonderments didn't matter.

Her moving on did. Monica and Chandler being together did.

Memories of a past love did not.

They had continued to live in harmony, her watching the happy couple with a sense of happiness. If Chandler could have moved on; found someone that he could love, she was sure she could too. The feelings were gone, and she saw hope now.

Hope that she could find someone, just as Chandler had.

Not Ross though. She had loved Ross, but she had been there too many times, and it had always ended up ending. She knew that it would continue to end every time they tried it, and that soon, it would start to get too painful; too hateful. She would rather have Ross as a friend then an enemy. She would rather have Ross like she had Chandler; within arms reach, able to make sure they were happy and there for her. For them to be there for her to observe from afar but never touch. It would end in tragedy with either of them; Ross because she was sure they would break up and Chandler because he was with Monica. She wasn't the type of person to have affairs. Especially not when it came between her two best friends. Especially not when she had forgotten all of her feelings towards him.

All she had now was they memory of what it was like. The memory of what Monica was feeling now. The memory of what it was like to be loved by Chandler.

She was content with that. They had been together; had felt things that they were never have meant to. Done things that were so wrong, yet felt so right. They had loved, they had hurt and now they had moved on.

She was content with that.

_There were moments of gold_

_And there were flashes of light_

_There were things we'd never do again_

_But then they'd always seemed right_

_There were nights of endless pleasure_

_It was more than all your laws allow_

_Baby, Baby, Baby_

She was content with the memory and had moved on.

But then came the night when Chandler was to propose.

Richard had been there. And things had gone downhill from that point on.

After tricking Monica into thinking he didn't want marriage, Chandler had planned to ask her again; to surprise her.

But Monica had had other plans. She hadn't wanted to wait, not when she had someone who was willing to give her everything. She had left; gone with Richard. Left Chandler alone in their apartment.

She had walked in to find him like that, upset and alone. And she had thoughtlessly gone to comfort him, not knowing just how foolish that move was.

She had moved on, she had been happy that they were getting married. But now, it seemed that they weren't, and she had comforted him.

And all those feelings that she had worked for so long to get rid of had come back.

She had comforted him, and they feelings had returned.

_When you touch me like this_

_And when you hold me like that_

_It was gone with the wind_

_But it's all coming back to me_

_When you see me like this_

_And when I see you like that_

_Then we see what we want to see_

_All coming back to me_

_The flesh and the fantasies_

_All coming back to me_

_I can barely recall_

_But it's all coming back to me now_

Rachel opened the door, hoping that she wasn't interrupting Monica and Chandler. Hoping that they weren't there. Wishing they weren't there. Her wish hadn't been granted.

"Chandler?" Rachel said softly, walking over to her friend. He was sitting on the couch, a forlorn look on his face. "Chandler? Are you okay?"

"She left," Chandler whispered, a tear running down his cheek. "Monica left me."

"What?" Rachel gasped. Chandler stood, pushing past her.

"She's gone," he muttered, walking over to the table. "She's…she's going to marry Richard….Richard!"

"Oh sweetie," Rachel murmured, walking over and wrapping her arms around him. Chandler leaned into her touch, letting out a small sob. "I'm so sorry."

"Why Rach? Why did she leave me? I love her so much," he whimpered, his face buried in her shoulder.

"I know honey, I know."

"I-I told her…I told her that I wanted to marry her, that it was all just a plan…she said it didn't matter, that Richard was willing to give her that as well…and that she wanted all those things with him, not me," Chandler cried. Rachel tightened her grip around him, setting her jaw angrily. How could Monica have done that to him? Pulled him along, let him believe that they were meant to be together, and then just drop him like that? Drop him because Richard came crawling back. Rachel had never hated Monica – never thought she would be able to - but she felt nothing short of hate at that moment. Monica had hurt Chandler.

"What is wrong with me? Why can't I get a girl to love me?" Chandler whispered. Rachel shook her head.

"Nothing is wrong with you Chandler…you've had plenty of girls love you," she said softly in his ear. Chandler pulled away, staring down at the floor.

"But they always leave," he muttered, glancing up at her with those startling blue eyes. The same way he had done all those years ago. Rachel felt her breath leave her lungs. Everything she had worked on, all those feelings she had desperately tried to forget, all those thoughts of pleasure and love; everything she had taken so long to love past, came rushing back, with a simple look.

She took his hand, rubbing his fingers gently with her own. Chandler watched as she brought his hand up to her lips, kissing his skin gently, like she had done before. She let his hand go and reached up, touching his cheek gingerly.

"Don't," Chandler whispered, pulling away from her touch. "Monica-"

"Monica is gone Chandler," Rachel reminded him gently. Chandler shook his head.

"I-I can't do this Rach…I spent so long getting over you, I can't do this again. I can't get over you again."

"You don't have to Chandler," Rachel said softly. "I spent forever getting over you too…we should never have broken up."

"I know that," Chandler said miserably. "It was a stupid thing to do, but Ross…"

"We don't have to worry about that now…I want to be with you," Rachel insisted. Chandler shook his head once more, stepping away from her. Rachel watched his back intently.

"I-I don't know Rachel. I don't think this is a good idea. It's wrong."

"It was wrong last time sweetie, but it was so right," Rachel reminded him. "We've wasted so much time…I love you."

Chandler turned around and stared at her with those blue eyes; those eyes that she had always loved. The eyes she had pretended to be over, but never had been. She could pretend, but she couldn't forget.

"I love you Chandler," she repeated, smiling up at him. He smiled back and then, after years of waiting, he kissed her. Rachel melted, all those memories of their passion, their love, their perfection hitting her once more. At that moment, nothing else happened. Nothing but what was happening in the room.

"I'm sorry," Chandler whispered after finally pulling away.

"For what?" Rachel breathed, smiling at him once more.

"For lying to you," he murmured. "For hurting you like that." Rachel paused, running his words through her mind.

"You did love me?" she asked softly. Chandler nodded.

"Always…I just didn't want to hurt Ross and I thought…that if I hurt you enough you wouldn't come back to me, that you would go to him and…and we wouldn't hurt Ross," he whispered, shaking his head. "It was a stupid thing to do…I would rather hurt him then you."

"I knew you loved me," Rachel said smiling. Chandler grinned back.

"Always," he repeated. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"We can forgive and forget," she said gently. "I'm sorry I married Ross out of spite for you." Chandler's smile grew wider.

"I thought you married him because you were drunk?" he exclaimed. Rachel laughed.

"Well, yeah…but it was partly out of spite. You know, because of you and Monica's anniversary." Chandler's face darkened slightly at the mention of Monica. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I-I think so," he said after a pause. "She's…she's happy…she's where she wanted to be…and so am I now." Rachel smiled at his words.

"I love you Chandler," she whispered. Chandler kissed her once more and Rachel once more melted. He was the only man that could ever make her respond like that.

She had tried to forget and had eventually succeeded.

She had forgotten what it was like to have his fingers on her skin. To feel his lips against her body. To lie in his arms, panting for breath. To falls asleep, satisfaction at it's highest.

But now, she was about to be reminded what that was like. All their feelings had come rushing back, and she couldn't be happier. Everything they had been through, all the other relationships, all the pain of not having one another, all the longing didn't matter. This was all that mattered now.

Chandler pulled away and finally, after so many years, said the words that Rachel had longed to hear. The words that she knew meant they would never leave one another. The four words that were so close to the other four words that had made them part; so close but the complete opposite. The four words that told her that he needed her; now and always.

"I love you too."

_If you forgive me all this_

_If I forgive you all that_

_We forgive and forget_

_And it's all coming back to me now_

_(It's all coming back to me now)_

_And when I touch you like that_

_(It's all coming back to me now)_

_If you do it like this_

_(It's all coming back to me now)_

_And if we…_


End file.
